Most of us grew up in a paradigm of “right” and “wrong”.
If we were right, we got the approval, recognition, and favorable attitudes we needed from our parents or caregivers. If we were wrong, there's a good chance we experienced some degree of shame, blame, criticism or punishment. Which got internalized and stored like ammo to be used against ourself or others in conflict.
Why would we do that? Because it's what our amygdala recorded just in case we would ever need to recreate our childhood pain. And we do. And we can shame and blame and criticize in spectacularly, profoundly painful language. Words hurt. But why recreate childhood pain? Answer: because you are trying to heal and grow.
This right and wrong business is what typically perpetuates the power struggle in the relationship. And can you think anything more emotionally painful than shame, blame and criticism in place of what was once bliss? "Who ARE you, and what have you done with the person I fell in love with - the person who once understood me so well"? So we add deep disappointment to the mix, and decide we're outta here. Divorce court here we come.
What if I told you there is a way to turn these conflicts into connections? What if I told you that you can reconnect and feel loved again? But you'll want to lose the right/wrong paradigm.
Relationships end unnecessarily because of the power struggle. The "story we make up" is that we're married to the wrong person, so we divorce and get into another relationship, and guess what? It's wrong person again! How does this keep happening? The truth is this power struggle is actually growth in the making. Time to wake up and become conscious of what we're doing - recreating the same old pain by making somebody right and somebody wrong. There is a much better way. It's not about right and wrong. It is not about deciding you're with the "wrong" person or finding a new "right" person. It is about each partner becoming a better person, by learning to live, love, be loved, and communicate with intention.
Is there more?? Absolutely. Click on the question to find out.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?!
Posted by: anne | December 08, 2009 at 05:57 PM
Yes, indeed! Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in a relationship?
Posted by: Jeannie | December 10, 2009 at 10:45 AM