Living On Purpose

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...

As a child, I loved "The Night Before Christmas" because it so beautifully conveyed the magic and wonder of the Season. It instilled great anticipation and excitement and fed my belief in the spirit and generousity of Santa.  These nights before Christmas were truly delightful.  Such sweet memories...

Over the years, I confess, that luster has faded some.  Like many, I've grown tired of the commercialism, the exploitation of the birth of Jesus to sell more loot along with batteries that make the loot run, the endless advertisements that can drown the meaning of it all.  Humbug!  If it weren't for the kids in my life, I'd probably head off the islands and come back when it's all over.

I heard a story on NPR this morning that lit the reminder that there continues to be substantial meaning amidst all this electrical surge and tinsel.  That part of me that wants to believe is still here.  That is a good thing.

It's the story of "Secret Santa".  As I understand it, some three decades ago a young man was broke, homeless and hungry in Kansas City, when a stranger did a kind and generous deed.  The cook in the KC diner reached down and pretended to pick up $20 and handed it to the young man we now know as Larry Stewart, the original Secret Santa.  "You dropped this", said the cook, and in that one gesture, did far more than feed him that day.  He restored hope and dignity and spawned a magical, joyful phenomenon of anonymous giving on the streets at Christmastime. 

Larry Stewart apparently amassed a fortune, and as he did, he made good on his vow to give back.  So for all those years until he died in 2006, he anonymously went out on the streets of Kansas City at Christmastime, identified those in need and "quick as a flash", they had cash and he was gone.

This is the gift that keeps on giving, apparently.  Now there are "Secret Santas" all over the country.  Mysterious, generous strangers that give away hundreds of thousands of dollars to people just trying to cover the basics.  What a twenty dollar act of kindness has started is truly magical.

To be able to give to those in need is such a gift to all. Is it really more blessed to give than receive?  The answer is yes.  But it's all blessed!  I've worked in non-profits, I have raised money for those in need.  I have been fortunate to be on both ends of giving and receiving, and I can attest:  it's ALL amazing.  Try buying coffee for the person in line behind you and notice what happens.  Everybody lights up!  Last week, I had someone do something similar for me.  I was short on change and was going to have to use my credit card at the cash register.  This beautiful soul behind me said "I got it"!  I was embarrassed and said "I'm sorry to be holding you up".  She said "I'm in no hurry; I'm just in the mood to be kind". "Let me get it for you".  Everybody in line lit up; and I cried! 

It was not about the money; it was about the kindness of a perfect stranger.

And the magic that seems to come at Christmastime.  Is it magic or is it kindness?

Are they one in the same? 

Do you believe?  I do, once again.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Happy Birthday, Moseley!

Moseley is 13 today.  She and I are hanging out this morning, watching the sunrise, appreciating the little things as we’ve done for the close to 4700 days we’ve been together.  This has been a challenging year for her.  She’s become arthritic and deaf in her old age.   

Then, nearly three weeks ago, she walked in the back door and suddenly began to stagger, and fell down.  She got back up and did it again.  I watched in alarm, firing thoughts that she was having a seizure or a stroke, I noticed her eyes darting back and forth, her head tilted in a bizarre looking way. We loaded her into the Moselymobile, and headed to the ER. 
The symptoms came and went; we’ve had two more follow-up visits with the vet, one involving a doggie gurney because she couldn’t stand or walk at all.  Warning:  this experience is not for the faint of heart. 

Her head tilt, the eyes darting, the staggering and loss of balance all add up to what we now know is “Idiopathic Geriatric Vestibular Syndrome”, which means, “we don’t know why, but your dog has lost her sense of balance the way a lot of older dogs do, and she may very well recover, but we can’t say for sure, but try these antibiotics, just in case it’s an ear infection”. 

The good news is that she is showing signs of improving, for which we are both profoundly grateful.   And once again, as she has for 13 years, she offers yet another lesson in gratitude. 

She is an amazing companion, true to a dog’s reputation for loyalty, she is fiercely so, with the possible exceptions of a new Frisbee partner or a cheese wielding visitor, once they’ve been cleared by security of course.  She is obedient, protective, dignified, and sometimes stubborn.  And loud.  The dog has a bark.  A friend recently asked if it was possible for a dog to go deaf due to the sheer decibel level of her own bark?    Does anyone know? 

I am looking over at her as I write this, and of course she is looking back, communicating with her expression as she always has.  We both know these are cherished times when we can be together.  She gives my life so much joy and meaning. 

Happy birthday, beloved dog of mine.

You continue to teach me.  The latest lesson is about not giving up.   Life throws curve balls – we can complain… or we can adapt and find the meaning.  Life is sometimes painful – learn the lesson and move in the direction of healing.  When you’re off balance, find a trusted friend to share the burden, and prop you up if needed. 

Cherish now.  Live fully, appreciate the little things, and keep your head up even if you have to tilt it to find your way.

To Moseley!  Here here!

Is There More?

Most of us grew up in a paradigm of “right” and “wrong”. 
If we were right, we got the approval, recognition, and favorable attitudes we needed from our parents or caregivers.  If we were wrong, there's a good chance we experienced some degree of shame, blame, criticism or punishment.   Which got internalized and stored like ammo to be used against ourself or others in conflict. 

Why would we do that?  Because it's what our amygdala recorded just in case we would ever need to recreate our childhood pain.  And we do.  And we can shame and blame and criticize in spectacularly, profoundly painful language.  Words hurt.  But why recreate childhood pain?  Answer: because you are trying to heal and grow.

This right and wrong business is what typically perpetuates the power struggle in the relationship.  And can you think anything more emotionally painful than shame, blame and criticism in place of what was once bliss?  "Who ARE you, and what have you done with the person I fell in love with - the person who once understood me so well"?  So we add deep disappointment to the mix, and decide we're outta here.  Divorce court here we come.

What if I told you there is a way to turn these conflicts into connections?  What if I told you that you can reconnect and feel loved again?  But you'll want to lose the right/wrong paradigm.

Relationships end unnecessarily because of the power struggle.  The "story we make up" is that we're married to the wrong person, so we divorce and get into another relationship, and guess what?  It's wrong person again!  How does this keep happening? The truth is this power struggle is actually growth in the making.  Time to wake up and become conscious of what we're doing - recreating the same old pain by making somebody right and somebody wrong.  There is a much better way.  It's not about right and wrong.   It is not about deciding you're with the "wrong" person or finding a new "right" person. It is about each partner becoming a better person, by learning to live, love, be loved, and communicate with intention.

Is there more??  Absolutely.  Click on the question to find out.  

What Triggers You?

Trigger:  The lever that discharges the firearm, right?  The trigger doesn't hurt you; it's what it causes to happen that creates the pain.

Similarly, in many relationship conflicts, we get triggered.  Think about it - is it the differences between us that's causing the pain or what gets triggered; i.e., shame, inadequacy, fear of abandonment, etc. ? Then once we're triggered, we likely start with defenses, which can usually cut deeper than a knife wound and take much longer to heal.

Understand that if you can talk (using the Imago dialogue of course!) about what got triggered rather than defending or demanding, criticizing or raising your voice, you will likely get some relief.  You can get heard, understood, validated, and even empathy.  This is healing work and brings you much closer to the connected feeling you really want.

The misunderstanding is just the trigger.  It's the old historical hurts that are causing defensive reactions, and ultimately perpetuating the pain.  These need healing, and a safe dialogue is an AMAZING and effective and rewarding replacement for painful *reactions*.

Food for Thought and Growth

What we focus on is what we grow, so after yesterday's big feast, I have a few questions as "food for thought".

Are you focused on on scarcity or abundance?  On your fear or your faith? On wellness or illness?

Are you focused on what is working or not working? On yourself and your own growth, or on blaming others?  Peace or war?  Gratitude or anger?  Intimacy (vulnerability) or defensiveness?  Your strengths or your weaknesses?  On what you've got or what you could lose? On what you can do something about or what you can't?  On what brings you joy or what brings worry?

My vote is that we operate within the spirit of gratitude for what IS and grow abundantly from there.  What we've got is today.  Live fully into what you've got now.  "When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change".

Listening is loving.

Validation is understanding.

Empathy is healing.

Loving On Purpose

A couple of times a year, I teach a 6 week non-credit course at Emory called "Living on Purpose".  Intentional, meaningful living --identifying values, and creating a lifestyle that organizes life around those values so that we are living a concious, intentional, meaningful, passionate life.

My day job is therapy, much of it with couples.  I'm on a little campaign to help people live -- and love -- with intention and purpose.  Part of loving intentionally is "caring behaviors".  I find that couples pretty well know each other.  It's amazing, really.  Couples know how to push buttons, and they do it well.  I'm even more amazed by the predictable fact that they also know how to light each other up with caring behaviors, and don't always do it!  Now why is that?

I suspect it's the power struggle phase of the relationship. Forgive the following reference to comedy because the power struggle is actually very painful, but it does remind me of the old slapstick where two of the Three Stooges were always trying to go through the door at the same time and constantly got stuck.  When we insist that "You and I are one and I'm the ONE", we're not *seeing* the other person, which really hurts.  In the romantic phase, there was SO MUCH hope for being seen and accepted, so it is underestandably disappointing and painful when we feel ignored or invisable.  When our partner hurts us, we react defensively, which often involves hurting them back.  Then it's chain reaction back and forth until both hurt deeply, a point at which we either give up or hopefully seek help.

My job is to help restore the connection.  One of the ways we do this is by intentional loving.  It seems so simple, but you gotta show your love with tender, caring behavior.  Instead of REacting, try, REsponding -- thoughtfully -- intentionally.  The intention being a caring statement instead of something hurtful.  Take a deep breath, and say  "let me see if I understand you, because I really want to".  "I really do love you, and I want you to be YOU."  When you do this, you are putting your partner back on your caring radar, which is healing, and you make room for both people in the relationship.  Then it's "You and I are ... well, you and I".  We are two different people sharing life.  And there is room in this life for you to be you and me to be me, and that is not a bad thing at all! 

That, in itself, may be the most caring behavior of all.  Try this, also. Think back to when you fell in love.  You did things for each other so easily.  You know what your partner loves.  Give it freely, NSA (no strings attached).  Do it lovingly, tenderly.  Yes, you'll be vulnerable, but isn't that the definition of intimacy?

Restore your connection by seeking to understand the naturally occuring *otherness* of your partner. Love is a verb; do it with intention. Love on Purpose!

Seasons

To everything there is a season, and time to every purpose under heaven:  a time to be born, and a time to die... - Ecclesiastes 3: 1-2.

As kids, many of us had more than one "Mama".  Your best friend's Mom fed you, looked after you, tucked you in at sleep-overs, treated you like one of her own.  I've been blessed to maintain a close friendship for 47 years with my dear friend Donna, and a special relationship with "Easie", who died last night with her loving family all around her.  All these years, she was Donna's Mom, but in childhood and adulthood, having lost my own mother a few years ago, I found great comfort and joy in Easie's presence.  All these years, she's been there, cooking and caring, laughing and relishing in her role as "Mama" to all of her "kids". 

This morning, I pause to remember her, and honor her life.  Strong, strong Easie.  She was quite a character, great sense of humor, fantastic southern cook, hard worker, loving mother, generous and strong in character.  No matter the burden, she carried on tirelessly.  Though she could be feisty, she was a loving, forgiving soul.  I will remember her always as "Mama", and hopefully embody a few of her qualities.

To everything there is a season. We are all born, and we all die. And with any luck or grace, we learn how to live by remembering those who die before us.  Today I intend to remember and appreciate what I learned from her, I will try to be generous, forgiving, caring, loving, I will keep my sense of humor, hopefully, and stand up for what I believe.  I may even eat chicken and dumpings and turnip greens, but they won't be the same without her seasoning.

Godspeed, Easie.  We will miss you; we will always love you.

Savoring

There are certain things we just long for that are so satisfying, and give life such rich texture.  What is it about those moments when you're tasting something delicious, or you're on a much anticipated trip, or you're with someone or doing something you really love?  You're present -- completely in the now.  Enjoying.  Slowing down.  Appreciating.  Discovering.  Savoring.

My last post was about slowing down, so this is clearly a theme.  Aren't you happiest when you're savoring?  This concept has much relevance for relationships, and also for singularly enjoying life.  We can waste alot of precious time and energy on negativity, on worrying about what others thought / think / will think.  Living in the past, obsessing about another time / space dimension, we lose the precious present moment, and we drain our power and joy potential to an unsatisfying, ineffective pattern of worrying about what is not ok.  And the irony is that this worry causes us to miss all that IS ok.  If we are habitually focused on what could be wrong, we miss what is right, and lose the opportunity to savor.

Who doesn't love the anticipation of a wonderful experience, and also love the moment when it arrives?  You can create alot of this joy and fun by being proactive and present.  You don't have to spend alot of money or travel out of town to create something special.  

Today is Tuesday, September 8.  Because of this, I recommend you celebrate!  Set the table tonight with the good dishes.  Plate your food with intentional beauty and garnish it with something lovely and interesting.  Close your eyes and appreciate your sense of taste.  Put a love note in your kid's lunch box.  Surprise a friend with a card or call.  Smile at a stranger and watch what happens.  Don't lose, but rather love these moments, whatever they are, for they are ticking by.  Buy or pick some flowers and put them in a vase.  Notice and savor what is special or beautiful.  I promise you it's there. 

Are you?

Stop this Crazy Thing!

Remember the Jetsons?  Da da DA da!   Always, during the opening, George is out walking Astro on the treadmill, and it gets away from him.  He yells:  "Jane"!  "Stop this crazy thing"!

Such a great metaphor for our hectic lives in which find ourselves reacting to and with increasing speed, trying to keep up with the machine.  The machine in George Jetson's life is his treadmill.  In our culture, it's the electronics, the consumption and the spectacular array of things we have created and accumulated to keep us busy, and ultimately to worry about.  And like George's treadmill it gets away from us.

My clients were referring to the early stage of their relationship.  "It was so much fun"!  "We had time to be together then". "We enjoyed the simple things, picnics, hikes, just hanging out".

As far as I can tell, there are still the same number of moments in day.  We just use them differently when we're not intentionally focused on being in joy.  We get caught up in reacting to ever-increasing speed at which data comes at us.  Now we have 800 channels on the TV, several voice mails, several e-mail accounts, more *entertainment* and what happens to the happy factor?  It drops!  What do we long for?  Time.

We have time.  What many of us don't have is a priority system that allows for meaningful use of it.  Give your relationship priority.  Take time for the simple things.  Stop the crazy machine.

And be.