Living On Purpose

Who's right?

There is the *thing that happened*, and then there's our perspective on *the thing that happened*. That perspective is filtered by history, culture, age, gender, experiences, both positive and negative - and resulting defenses - just to name a few.

Being with another person is much smoother, more interesting, fun, and positive when we figure out that we're simply exploring one another's perspectives rather than determining who's right.  Who really knows, anyway, since no one is without filters.  Somewhere along the line (in my world, it's childhood) we got a message that, in conflict, one person  was right and one person was wrong, and that determination settled disputes.  So all we have to do is figure out who's right, right?  Right there is the problem!   What if we looked at it without needing rightness and wrongness?  What if there was only curiosity about what it's like to be the other person?

"You can be right, or you can be in relationship..."

Greetings from the Great State of Happiness

It's the time of year when postcards are being selected, purchased, written upon, smiley faced and hearted,  x'd and o'd, stamped, mailed, received, read, smiled upon,and stuck to the fridge or bulletin board.  Vacation is a happy place.  We work, we stress, we save, we plan, we sacrifice to take a vacation.   And we feel so happy on that first day. And the second, and the third...  Half way through, we start to fire up the worry neurons, just to be sure they still run.  Worry that it's already half over.  Wait; I'm still on vacation!  Now I'm worried that I worry on vacation.  Then with any luck we can park the worry for a little while, but it's back there, biding time til it's back in the drivers seat, while happiness, hopefully, is front and center.  My coaching group and I came up with "what it is" about vacations that makes us happy.

Here's what we've got so far:

• relaxed
• true to natural self
• aware
• focused on what is right
• free
• slower in pace
• noticing
• savoring
• discovering
• joyful (and therefore creative)
• easy laughter
• conscious

What would you add?  What is it about vacations?

wow.

It was watching a master at work.  It was like watching a magician.  How does he do that???  I am referring to watching Harville Hendrix work with couples.  He and his wife Helen Lakelly Hunt  were just in Atlanta.  They came here to teach, to demonstrate and to heal relationships, and they were wildly successful.  They ARE wildly successful.  They are AMAZING.  I observed and listened and witnessed for four days and I think I've got at least three answers to the question "how does he do that"? 

1. Being.

2. Knowing.

3. Practicing.

Being.   Not doing, but being… present.   And you thought I meant being Harville Hendrix, didn't you?  Part of being Harville IS being present.  Being FULLY in the present moment with what we are doing.  It's very much the secret of all the great masters.  The good news is that any of us can do this with discipline and practice and therefore experience the greatness that is already within us. 

Knowing.  He KNOWS his work because – and these ARE HIS words -- he made it all up!  In other words, he is the thinker and author of Imago Theory.  Not knowing how to do something may cause us to avoid it altogether.  Knowing how to do something is part of being a master.  The other part is…

Practicing.  What good is something if you don’t practice it?  What good is a tool if we don’t use it?  Practice reinforces the neural pathways, and neural pathways are expandable, so that the more we practice, the more we increase our skill.  More skill allows for more effective and efficient use of it, then it's actually FUN because we can see results.

I am making a pitch for using the Imago Dialogue as part of your everyday existence.  All things – but especially communication – go better when we are present, we know how to listen, and we practice. 

I will continue to be in awe of Harville and Helen, AND I will practice and develop the greatness that dwells within me.

wow.

Stand By Me

If this doesn't make you feel good all over, then I don't know what to tell you. Hope you enjoy:

Things I love:

     Morning sun through my windows

Moseley’s “laugh”

Water.  Lapping, splashing, crashing, flowing, pouring, slow, fast, still, moving

Morning coffee by a campfire

Pretend play with kids

The sound of a meditation gong

Thunderstorms

All day comedic cook-a-thons with friends

Sunrises

Beach camping

Discovery

Marsh paddling

Springtime

Blueberries in my cereal

Creative brainstorming

Laughing to the point of tears

Living to the point of tears

Marsh smells

Silence

Indian food

The IPC choir

Meditation walks

SCUBA diving

Kayak camping

Children’s laughter

Birds singing

Hawks soaring

Fish jumping

Dolphins

Daffodils

Imago work

The sound of wind in the trees

Morning dew on a spider web

Rivers

 

What do YOU love?

Calling All Self-Actualizers!

I just finished another Living On Purpose at Emory Center for Lifelong Learning class. I've taught this class for several years, now, and just gets better and better.  I always love the joy of meeting self-actualizers.  I love the adventure, the process, the creativity, the bond, the energy, the synergy, the discovery, the meaning, the discussion, and the CONNECTION. 

Every class ends with "what's next"?  So let's make something happen.

Intentional living is about making conscious CHOICES to create what we DO want, as opposed to reacting to whatever comes our way. So I INTEND to offer a 6-session coaching group, aimed at helping you follow through on YOUR intention.   We will meet every other Tuesday evening, starting April 7, location TBA, depending on class size.  Cost is $150 for all six sessions.

For more information or to register, e-mail me at jeannie@lifestreamsconsulting.com or call me at 770.270.5488.  See you soon!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

  Wishing you a rainbow
For sunlight after showers—
Miles and miles of Irish smiles
For golden happy hours—
Shamrocks at your doorway
For luck and laughter too,
And a host of friends that never ends
Each day your whole life through!

Taking Care of Yourself?

Taking care of yourself is a given, right?  It seems so obvious, but it is remarkable how many of us can take excellent care of those we love, but have trouble taking care of our self.  Must have been something in the water...    Right.   More likely, it was something in the messages that got internalized in childhood.  Somehow, we came into adulthood without concrete knowledge:

• That it is essential that we take care of ourself
• That we deserve the same care/respect as anyone else
• That it's up to us to ensure it
• How to do it

Sometimes I get an incredulous look when I suggest that you take as good a care of yourself as you would your own child.  You might confess you don't believe you deserve it, or you might not even know how.

So here is what I mean by taking care of yourself.   

• Is your body healthy?  Do you feed it nutritious food and plenty of water?  Do you stretch and strengthen your muscles, and do you give it enough rest? 
• How is your inner life?  Are you positive in your outlook?  Do you nourish your spirit?  Your intellect? Do you feed your mind healthy information?  Are you at peace?  If not, take a closer look with curiosity rather than judgment.  What do you need?
• How do you manage stress?  This is big.  Too much stress is DISTRESS and causes more problems.  Go for EUSTRESS.  More on this another time soon. 
• How well do you take care of yourself in your relationships?  This is a hard one for some of us.  We are so habitual about caring for others that we put ourselves last.  The key word here is habit.  How do you change a habit?  One behavioral choice at a time til it's automatic.
• How is your social life?  Do you get enough time with those you enjoy?  Do you have FUN? Do you LAUGH??? 
• Do you teach others to treat you respectfully, by respecting yourself and others?
• Do you need to set boundaries with those who don't respect you?
• Do you have balance in your financial life?
• Is your home clean and well maintained?   Is it time to de-clutter?
• Do you enjoy your work, and if not, what would help?

What is working, and what needs to change?  What would it take to create the change you need toward taking better care of yourself? 

Healing Consciously

Part of healing is accepting.  Not just accepting circumstances of what's *happened out there*, but accepting ourselves for who we are, and how we have adapted.  Accepting that, though our parents did the best they could, they were not perfect, and we were hurt, and therefore WE are not perfect.  That very hurt often shows up in our unproductive and unbecoming behavior in relationship. Of course that behavior, whatever it is, is frustrating to us and our partner.  Then the frustration enters the equation, so now we have childhood hurt, plus the unbecoming behavior of the adult who's still carrying childhood pain and acting out, and now frustration.  This frustration leads to the fear of disconnection.  For "isolators" (those who need space) the fear is of losing the self in relationship.  For "fusers"  (those who need to feel closer), the fear is of losing the relationship.  The fear, of course, calls forth defenses, and the defenses are the lizard -brain fight or flight.  Relationship pain is extraordinarily difficult.

If we could really wrap our mind around *acceptance*, then we could heal, or at least get on the path.  We could heal our childhood wound through compassionate love for that wounded kid who became a wounded adult.   Loving our self allows for receiving the love we want and crave.  One of the reasons we get so desperate in relationship is the buried childhood fear that we're not lovable.  You want the antidote to that fear?  Here it is:  Of course you are loveable.  You are lovable, but you must accept that your partner is a different person with his / her own history and need for compassion.  If both people could get this, we could heal the relationship, too, because allowing compassionate love is what heals emotional wounds.  If we could accept *the way things are* -- instead of demanding that things go our way... well, that would be sign that we're growing up.  Two year olds demand things go their way.  Adults accept that sometimes things go our way, and sometimes they don't.  And adults know that disappointment goes with the territory; accept that fact, and move along.

I'm not saying life will be perfect once we know this.  But I am saying that "accepting the things we cannot change" is more than just a line in a well-known prayer.  It is your path to conscious healing.

Connection

We were conceived in connection; we were literally connected with our mother in the womb.  Our infant survival was dependent on connection.  Our instincts as toddlers and children were about maintaining connection. 

Connnection = safety.

So it's no wonder that when we feel threatened by the prospect of disconnection -- whether our fear is abandonment or smothering -- we may act out in ways that defy our chronological age.  Of course the sad part is these lizard-brain egocentric demands send our partner into defensiveness, and we manage to bring on the disconnect we feared.  We did it to ourselves.  We're regressing!  We're acting out the pre-verbal childhood temper tantrum.  And the fighting is creating the awful pain of disconnection.

No, I don't think it's working for you. I have something entirely different in mind that will be much more effective in helping you get your needs met.  It's called "dialogue".  And it's based on the outrageous idea that through the process of something called "listening", you hear your partner, and your partner is more likely to hear you, using the same technique.  Through listening, you can understand and say something like "ok, well that makes sense to me...", and get it in return.

The connection you want and need is restored. 

Want to know more??