Part of healing is accepting. Not just accepting circumstances of what's *happened out there*, but accepting ourselves for who we are, and how we have adapted. Accepting that, though our parents did the best they could, they were not perfect, and we were hurt, and therefore WE are not perfect. That very hurt often shows up in our unproductive and unbecoming behavior in relationship. Of course that behavior, whatever it is, is frustrating to us and our partner. Then the frustration enters the equation, so now we have childhood hurt, plus the unbecoming behavior of the adult who's still carrying childhood pain and acting out, and now frustration. This frustration leads to the fear of disconnection. For "isolators" (those who need space) the fear is of losing the self in relationship. For "fusers" (those who need to feel closer), the fear is of losing the relationship. The fear, of course, calls forth defenses, and the defenses are the lizard -brain fight or flight. Relationship pain is extraordinarily difficult.
If we could really wrap our mind around *acceptance*, then we could heal, or at least get on the path. We could heal our childhood wound through compassionate love for that wounded kid who became a wounded adult. Loving our self allows for receiving the love we want and crave. One of the reasons we get so desperate in relationship is the buried childhood fear that we're not lovable. You want the antidote to that fear? Here it is: Of course you are loveable. You are lovable, but you must accept that your partner is a different person with his / her own history and need for compassion. If both people could get this, we could heal the relationship, too, because allowing compassionate love is what heals emotional wounds. If we could accept *the way things are* -- instead of demanding that things go our way... well, that would be sign that we're growing up. Two year olds demand things go their way. Adults accept that sometimes things go our way, and sometimes they don't. And adults know that disappointment goes with the territory; accept that fact, and move along.
I'm not saying life will be perfect once we know this. But I am saying that "accepting the things we cannot change" is more than just a line in a well-known prayer. It is your path to conscious healing.
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