Living On Purpose

Restoring Your Relationship

Entering a relationship is fun and easy for most people.  The hard part is staying in when the relationship has lost its shimmer and the power struggle wears on in a hurtful way.  Neither fighting nor withholding help anything and only serve to hurt.  Neither person gets heard when the reptilian brain is engaged in punitive or cold warfare.  And know this without any doubt: criticism perpetuates defensiveness.  It does not work.  It never has; it never will. 

To have something different, we need to do something different. 

My discovery of Imago Therapy changed me personally and professionally.  I practice it because of its depth and because it works.  I have invested fully in certification and practice because of the joy in restored connection and the true healing it brings. There is a reason we do what we do, and when we compassionately understand the reason for our partner's defensive behavior, we actually help them lose it.   My challenge is getting people to do something they've never done before.  Humans are usually drawn toward the familiar and fear the unknown, which is why we engage in the same old dance, even if it doesn't work.  At least I can predict what happens, right?  Even if it slays me every time, sadly.

Do your relationship a favor and commit to something different, something restorative.  The best way I have found is this:  get yourselves to a weekend workshop, so you can get conscious about the dance you do and why you do it and what works so much better.  Then follow it up with three months of weekly couples sessions because 90 days is about how long it takes to change a neural pathway in your brain.  If you are or can be in Atlanta the last weekend in August, I'd love to have you in my workshop!  Here is a comment from my last one:  "I learned constructive ways to communicate with my partner to resolve conflicts; I learned the importance of showing appreciation for one another regularly, and how to restore romance". 

A conscious, mature relationship is a rich and rewarding experience. The restored connection is within your reach. 

How to Get Rid of Anxiety

When worry and anxiety hijack our minds, it feels awful.  Symptoms of anxiety include tightening in the chest, racing heart, muscle tension, sweating, breathing problems, worry and obsessing about what is "wrong".  Taken to the extreme, we may experience panic.  I would do anything to avoid a panic attack, and I'm sure you would too!  That is one monster I can live without.

So let's do that.  Let's live with minimal anxiety and certainly without panic.  Really?  Sure, why not?   Let's start today.  Right this minute, even!  Take a slow deep breath, and release.  Put your arms over your head and take another slow deep inhale.  Now exhale so that you can hear it.  Like a slow sigh. Now stretch your body -- neck rolls, shoulder rolls, arms up and out, then down, then back, belly, and legs and ankles and toes.  Move your feet and hands around in circles.  Still breathing slow deep breaths.  See if you can relax your muscles into the gravity, paying particular attention to facial muscles, head neck and shoulders.  Take a slow deep breath, and exhale on the count of eight.   Close your eyes for a moment and think of the word GRATITUDE.   What are you grateful for?

Fundamentally, realize all that is going well.  We have this amazing brain that can create solutions to problems, that can think proactively about what is needed to address challenges and create the life we want.  Challenges help us grow and mature, even heal old hurts.  Life requires us to grow up, and oddly enough, maturity restores joy!   I am grateful for the lessons I've learned that have helped me do this and I'll bet you are, too.  I am grateful I can watch this sun rise and see the moon over my head.  I am grateful for so much that is going well.  I am grateful for my breath, for my senses, for my ability to walk and ability to notice birds and squirrels, dogs and babies in strollers.  I am grateful for the all important concept of CHOICE, the ability to choose to see these as connections in life rather than painful reminders of what I don't have.  Without exercising our ability to choose thoughts, we may default into negativity, which is addictive and anxiety producing.  So by choosing to focus on the CONNECTION THAT IS LIFE, we live into the 80+ percent that is going very well.

Still breathing slowly, think of all that is going well right now.  And problems?  Well, life hands us problems so we can learn and mature.  Problems are challenges that help us overcome negativity, discover new abilities, new parts of our self and be more creative in seeking solutions lovingly.   Our most effective problem solving strategy will come out of this positive and rational thinking rather than fear.  Fear-based thinking comes from the "reptile brain", and solutions come from our cerebral cortex.  I'd much rather have the life run according to my human brain than my reptile fight/flight brain.

We have within us much wisdom and problem solving ability when we slow down and listen.  Listen to the rhythm of nature.  Listen as we notice our senses and what they take in.  Listen as we create new solutions using positive, creative thoughts and behaviors.  Lose the fear and negativity.  Live into all that is going well.  Frame worries as challenges that have solutions and seek those lovingly.  Address problems positively.

Still breathing slowly, decide what you DO want for your life.  Spend your valuable time and thinking ability seeking what is possible and desirable rather than worrying.   Practice this each and every day and notice how much improves, including and especially health!  Many physical and mental disorders are COMPLETELY avoided when we manage stress positively.  And life's challenges get addressed so much more effectively.

Long term, make this a lifestyle that includes enjoyable exercise, laughter, fun, and seek relationships and experiences that call these forth and improve the quality of life.  I believe life is meant to be lived in joy.

Now stretch your body again, take a deep cleansing breath, and release.

Hope that helps.

Moseley Speaks Again

I don't know what I ever thought this day would be like.  I just always knew it was coming, and I knew it would be difficult.  I could not have known it would also have moments of peace and joy.  Like the space between the notes that makes music, the joy and the pain make life, don't they?

Moseley came down with canine geriatric vestibular disorder back in November.  Usually lasting three weeks, hers came to stay.  Over the months, she has learned to compensate, but she has had only limited and sporadic improvements, staggering and falling, and between this and chronic arthritis, the old girl has been impaired.

This has been an extraordinarily difficult decision.  She has imparted a reminder that life is temporary, and when it ends for someone you love, the qualities we cherish remain in our actions.  She said "look I cannot walk anymore, but if YOU will walk, I will be there".   I believe that with all my heart. 

I adopted her in 1997, and within a few days discovered I was channeling her wisdom that became "Moseley's Tips for Living".   She has always been my muse, inspiration, teacher, and source for wisdom.  Even today she teaches courage, meaning, strength, dignity and unconditional love.  Loyalty and Unconditional Love are the greatest lessons.

We're headed out for a ride in the car, now, all windows down, savoring.  We are going to spend this day loving each other and celebrating this amazing life together.

I am not going to spend alot of time writing, but I was compelled when I realized she has one more lesson to offer:  enjoy your loved ones today.  Forgive them easily, love them mightily, live your life with integrity, joy, meaning, wisdom, faith, hope, loyalty and always in loving, abiding friendship. 

Seizing Opportunities

I just returned from a camping trip with Moseley, and two other friends, who have known each other since they were 14.  The purpose of the trip was to visit their newly acquired property on the South Carolina coast.  I am honored to have been invited and thrilled to witness their amazing achievement.

When they were kids, they declared, like many of us do, that they would purchase land, preferably on the coast, and be in each other's lives always. They made good on their intention, and my hat is off to them for so many reasons. 

One of those reasons has to do with seeing and acting on an opportunity. We're talking once in a lifetime deal on coastal property. 

So often, opportunities present themselves and we hedge, perhaps out of fear or skepticism.  "Too good to be true" we may tell ourselves, until the opportunity has passed.  Our comfort zone may be to stay with the familiar "missed opportunity" paradigm.  We feel safer with what is familiar, even if it's not working for us!   Opportunities are all around us, and we may not see or act on them, because of the "scarcity mentality".  FEAR, often driven by the daily news that comes out of our electronic life distractor, also known as television.  Turn that stuff off and live your life! 

Overcoming fear, seizing an opportunity, stepping out of skepticism and scarcity is exhilarating, rich and rewarding beyond description.  This is life!  Make good on an intention, follow your passion, live your dream, seize the opportunity.

Start Right Stay Connected!

It's that time of year for marriage proposals and committed relationships.  The first stage of a relationship is so delicious and amazing.  

Help relationships stay strong, healthy, vibrant, and loving with a START RIGHT STAY CONNECTED workshop.  I'll be doing this one-day workshop for new couples on April 17 in Atlanta, GA. Click on the title for more information.  Please keep this in mind if you know anyone who is planning to marry or commit to a life partnership. I would appreciate it!

The Present

The dash between the dates of birth and death is life.  Are we present or distracted?  Committed to our own growth or "confessing others' sins" for them?  Are we grateful, or taking it for granted?  Are we focused on what we love / desire or re-creating the same pain over and over?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the present?  It is now.  Within this moment is our power to live intentionally.  To live fully into our potential.  To self actualize.  To choose and therefore be empowered.  To be grateful.  To be kind. To be generous. To appreciate our children or our partner.  To be aware.  To notice life in the precious present moment.  And therefore to find life's deeper meaning.

Slow down today; take it in.  This is life and our chance to make the most of it.  We can let it fly by with what feels like increasing speed, or we can savor it. 

When my good friend Gary Hales was in the dying process, he winked as he said "each moment is a gift; that's why it's called the 'present'".  He was positive, clever, wise and kept his sense of humor to his last breath. 

Moseley teaches the same each and every day.  Speaking of savoring.  We are savoring each other in her 13th year.

Turn off the electronics, get here, now; sense, feel, watch and listen.  Notice the creatures; notice the weather, notice the sunrise, sunset, your pets, your children, your beloved friends and family.  Be kind to yourself and others.  Notice how people return a smile.

Savor the present.  Find joy in this moment.  Live the dash fully.  This is where it's at, folks.  This is where we will find what we're looking for - joy and life's richer gifts.

The Happy Club

A friend and I were talking about the childhood universal trait of forming clubs.  We supposed it directly fulfills the essential need to belong on Maslow's famous hierarchy.   I had a bike club, among others.  She had a happy club.  Yes, it seems to be a universal need.... wait... did you say A HAPPY CLUB?  Yes!
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Wow.  A Happy Club.  I want to belong!!  And here is the kicker:  their HAPPY CLUB, consisting of four little children, went around the neighborhood offering good deeds. They even had a song called "what can we do for you"?   Now my question is did they offer the good deeds because they were happy, or did offering the good deeds make them happy?  Probably both.

Have you ever noticed or thought about how it feels to be kind?  Little children know!  They're not defended, offended or judgmental, and if we observe, they will teach us alot about being kind, AND about being happy.  There does, indeed, seem to be a direct relationship between the two. 

I truly believe we are born happy and stay that way for at least a few years... Life events, internalized messages (particularly shame) can scramble our coding, cause us to forget we're ok, and the result is depression, anxiety or both.  We manage THOSE conditions in variety of [often unhelpful] ways, seeking approval, spending money to buy a shiny object, over-medicating.  We're trying to be happy, but we've forgotten the essentials!

How to be happy?  A thousand authors offer a thousand recipes for happiness.  And we certainly know the advertisers promise that cars and trucks, clothing, electronics and cleaning products will make us happy.

Complaining or criticizing will not make us happy. Controlling or policing others' behavior doesn't make us happy; as a matter of fact, it is crazy-making.  Buying a shiny object gives us a short-term chemical rush, but does not cause happiness.

Happiness is fundamentally linked to thoughts and behaviors.  If thoughts are habitually on judging what is wrong out there, you can expect continued hits of stress hormones.  Good luck with that.  If thoughts are trained to find what is right, now we're onto something.  If behaviors are intentionally, consciously consistent with values, you can expect a hit of serotonin, particularly if you adopt a non-judgmental attitude.

If you want to be happy, try focusing on all that is going well.  Focus on improving yourself before you determine others' wrongness.  Try making a habit of expressing gratitude for what you do have. Try forgiveness.  Try taking care of your self, your body, your environment, your life's work, your family.

And try kindness.  Welcome to The Happy Club!  What Can We Do For You?  

M&M's

In relationships, we typically see "minimizer" and a "maximizer" roles or behaviors.  Minimizers are compared to turtles, ducking into their shell when they sense trouble or conflict.  Maximizers... well, they've been compared to hailstorms.  Or Tigger in an angry mood.  Very overwhelming to a minimizer, indeed.  Maximizers are the ones who insist that you come out of that shell and talk about it right now; it usually sounds like "why won't you ever TALK to me"?   And when a maximizer says that, the minimizer say something like "I don't know" and installs bolts and locks on the shell closure because that is the only safe place and it needs to stay safe, which, in turn, drives the maximizer nuts.

So the more the maximizer maximizes, the more the minimizer minimizes and the more the minimizer minimizes the more the maximizer maximizes!  How minimizers and maximers find each other is still a great mystery to me, but it happens with uncanny predictability.

The *growth edge* in all of this, M&M's, is once you figure out and own this defensive behavior, try doing less of it.  So minimizers, your job is to show up more and be willing to talk about your feelings.  Maximizers, your job is to... well, be quiet and calm and listen more.  And oddly enough, when you're quiet and calm and listening, your partner will open up, but only if it's safe.  So no pouncing!  This is all best accomplished in the structure of the Imago Dialogue which restores the safety and connection you once felt.

How Are Those New Year's Resolutions Coming Along?

One of mine was to blog more... like once a week.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm  I keep wanting to write an excuse!  I've backspaced several times because I... want... you ... to know see?  I'm doing it again.

Change is hard, folks.  *RE-actions".  We do them over and over again. Well-grooved neural pathways in the brain entice us to re-act with the familiar behavior instead of act.  Examples of re-actions?  Well, negative coping behaviors that do nothing to solve the problem and actually make it worse: 

1) "Help me; I've gained weight and I'm so stressed out I'm eating everything I see"!

2) "I over-spent during the holidays; I know I did and I'm so anxious I can't open the credit card bill because I can't pay it, so I went shopping to make myself feel better."

3) "I can't help myself; you make me act like this".

Blame has never solved a problem.  I'll grant that it was likely reinforced as a child when we figured out that finger-pointing kept us from "getting in trouble".  That is very likely the origin of blame.   Action---> consequences ----->learned re-action = blame. 

Even the language we use implies the age at which we learned to avoid responsibility.  "Getting in trouble" is the language of a child.  To dismantle old re-actions, we need to understand them, and perhaps more importantly, understand why they do not work.  A much better way is to think and behave around what we do want instead of coping with what we don't want.

I am here to tell you that a successful conflict resolution strategy is to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Like any new behavior, weekly blogging included, we find it very difficult and stumble at first.  We may even "make up a story" that it's impossible.  Anything new is difficult the first time we do it, maybe even the 2nd or 3rd, but with practice, we get better and better. 

Reducing *reactivity* will improve life.  Keeping a commitment, losing weight, getting control of the finances, taking ownership instead of placing blame are all *actions* that are worthy of the effort.  And if we stumble at first, make no excuses, just own it like the adult that you are and try again.

Open the mail, close the refrigerator, open the dialogue and lose the blame.  The best way to lose any negative behavior is to replace it with something positive.  So when I say "close the refrigerator", I need to ask "what will you do instead"?  Try going for a walk or writing or talking about the anxiety that's creating the need to cope. 

Hope this helps.  Blogging weekly is still a worthy commitment, unless, of course, I can find an excuse not to. :)

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...

As a child, I loved "The Night Before Christmas" because it so beautifully conveyed the magic and wonder of the Season. It instilled great anticipation and excitement and fed my belief in the spirit and generousity of Santa.  These nights before Christmas were truly delightful.  Such sweet memories...

Over the years, I confess, that luster has faded some.  Like many, I've grown tired of the commercialism, the exploitation of the birth of Jesus to sell more loot along with batteries that make the loot run, the endless advertisements that can drown the meaning of it all.  Humbug!  If it weren't for the kids in my life, I'd probably head off the islands and come back when it's all over.

I heard a story on NPR this morning that lit the reminder that there continues to be substantial meaning amidst all this electrical surge and tinsel.  That part of me that wants to believe is still here.  That is a good thing.

It's the story of "Secret Santa".  As I understand it, some three decades ago a young man was broke, homeless and hungry in Kansas City, when a stranger did a kind and generous deed.  The cook in the KC diner reached down and pretended to pick up $20 and handed it to the young man we now know as Larry Stewart, the original Secret Santa.  "You dropped this", said the cook, and in that one gesture, did far more than feed him that day.  He restored hope and dignity and spawned a magical, joyful phenomenon of anonymous giving on the streets at Christmastime. 

Larry Stewart apparently amassed a fortune, and as he did, he made good on his vow to give back.  So for all those years until he died in 2006, he anonymously went out on the streets of Kansas City at Christmastime, identified those in need and "quick as a flash", they had cash and he was gone.

This is the gift that keeps on giving, apparently.  Now there are "Secret Santas" all over the country.  Mysterious, generous strangers that give away hundreds of thousands of dollars to people just trying to cover the basics.  What a twenty dollar act of kindness has started is truly magical.

To be able to give to those in need is such a gift to all. Is it really more blessed to give than receive?  The answer is yes.  But it's all blessed!  I've worked in non-profits, I have raised money for those in need.  I have been fortunate to be on both ends of giving and receiving, and I can attest:  it's ALL amazing.  Try buying coffee for the person in line behind you and notice what happens.  Everybody lights up!  Last week, I had someone do something similar for me.  I was short on change and was going to have to use my credit card at the cash register.  This beautiful soul behind me said "I got it"!  I was embarrassed and said "I'm sorry to be holding you up".  She said "I'm in no hurry; I'm just in the mood to be kind". "Let me get it for you".  Everybody in line lit up; and I cried! 

It was not about the money; it was about the kindness of a perfect stranger.

And the magic that seems to come at Christmastime.  Is it magic or is it kindness?

Are they one in the same? 

Do you believe?  I do, once again.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.